The Sociopaths Among Us: Narcissistic Personality Disorder (updated)

Journalist Susan Orlean (who has a new memoir coming out!) once said something like, “If I didn’t have a deadline, my spice drawer would never be organized.” I’ve been on a deadline (which I met!), and thus recently watched multiple videos about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, both because of this ongoing series - three episodes of “The Sociopaths Among Us” so far: Intro, Candace Owens, Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome - and for my own edification, due to my having to deal on a semi-regular basis with someone with NPD.*

Before we get to that, here are some of the disorder’s characteristics, from the Mayo Clinic website:

• Have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and require constant, excessive admiration.

• Feel that they deserve privileges and special treatment.

• Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements.

• Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are.

• Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate.

• Be critical of and look down on people they feel are not important.

• Take advantage of others to get what they want.

• Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others.

• Be envious of others and believe others envy them.

• Behave in an arrogant way, brag a lot and come across as conceited.

• Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office.

The person I call “Gary” here has displayed all of these traits for decades. This has been taxing people in his orbit, as any interaction always costs some amount of time, money and/or peace of mind, and you learn not to do so beyond what is needed to protect yourself and your loved ones.

While diving into NPD online, I came across Mel Robbins on YouTube. Oof she has a lot of content; I only watched one video its entirety and found the tips useful, e.g., simply saying, “You’re entitled to your opinion” when they hit you with today’s cockamamie story. The goal of people with NPD is to drag you into whatever drama they deem useful to them at the moment - note it need not have any basis in reality! Another tip, which I’ve been doing for several years, is to stay silent as the person unwinds the labyrinth of reasons why they are wonderful and you need to pay a number of penalties. Silence offers the person with NPD no purchase, an unpleasant experience that causes them to think something like, “Why is my latest line of bullshit puddling only at my feet and not hers?”

Don’t feel bad if you wind up completely divorcing yourself from someone with NPD; they’ll just move on to the next person. Which has got to be a really crummy way to go through life. As I say here, there but for the grace of. More in video after the break.

*After Gary overplayed his hand last week, causing me to leave his life irrevocably, I went on Twitter/X and asked people to share their stories of having to cut an immediate family member out of their lives. Several have allowed me to print their experiences below.